'Tis the Season for DMX!

DMX will totally play all of your reindeer games, which is just another check on the long list for reasons why he's my favorite. (Need we even hearken back to the times of the XXL Magazine interview? Yo' mama aint name you no damn Barack!)

You'll go down in historyyyy... (forever!)

Happy holidays, internets. I hope you inspire us with your own rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" after slamming down one too many eggnogs!

Black Metal. Vegan. Thanksgiving.

Like a fine wine, the internet has provided us with the perfect counterpoint to kittens and Lil B.

The raucous, unholy vegans at Vegan Black Metal Chef have posted the answer to your satanic November rituals: Vegan Black Metal Thanksgiving!!!! (scroll down for the video)

Roast in the eternal flame for 45 minutes!

Cool! My inverted pentagram altar also doubles as a cutting board!

This video is metal as fuck and the cooking directions are surprisingly easy to follow. I also rather enjoy being screamed at (and I'm sure you do too), so this is perfection in its truest form. Let's all watch, shall we?

GRAVY IS BROTH AND FAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, everybody. If you never thought you'd completely lose your shit and form a circle pit for moshing to the guttural melodies of the Cooking Channel, the internet is here to prove you wrong. Happy Black Metal Thanksgiving!!

Damn Bruh, This Cat Got Skillz

So the "first rapper ever to publish a book at 19," Lil B has dropped the single of the newest cat to the rap game on Youtube-- literally a cat.

Her name is Keke and she lays down the meanest, smoothest purrs to ever hit the game. Check the track below. 

B: "Say something, Keke" 

Keke [translated]: "Rub my belly and look at my asshole-- it's a star like I is"

 You can find out more about Keke from Chris Martins's article over at Spin.com, and if you are young cat with a dream, you can follow the premiere animal-rap mogul Lil B on Twitter.

When Muppets Snort Cocaine

My drunken, 2:30 AM internet explorations rarely end in anything other than dubstep I can't remember downloading and music videos I can't unsee.

Such was the case with both my unearthing of an Australian DJ named Qua and his beatific visions in film.

So I downloaded an album, and with it came some videos. The first is pretty much what would happen if Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" had drug-fueled, unprotected sex with Meet the Feebles in a dirty bathroom stall.

change my pitch up.

(Disclaimer: Meet the Feebles, to this very day, is the most scarring movie I have ever seen. Before his Lord of the Rings days, Peter Jackson was a sick, sick man. Go forward with care, my internet buddies.)

So now that you've been properly introduced, let's all watch Qua's video for his song "Circles"

And just for funsies, let's watch his other video from this album! It's for a song called "Goodmorning Sun," and is rather less intimidating and more surreal/hilarious.

So in conclusion, internets -- viva Australia. Viva Peter Jackson. Viva people making puppets shoot up heroin. 

And viva taking acid trips in your underpants.

Mr. Frosty Man Protects You from the Christmas Undead

Well, all. Sufjan Stevens is on a freaking roll.
This should come as no surprise, considering he is fabulous and absolutely insane.


Please do yourselves a favor and watch his new claymation music video, Mr. Frosty Man. Everything about it is absolute perfection.

I can't stop watching. It's beautiful. Oh god.


Until your best friend melts, internets.

South Korea Gets Shitty

In South Korea, there is a cultural phenomenon that is probably pretty strange to Americans. People aren't weird and giggly about pooping. In fact, some people positively love it -- and the toilets the poop is deposited in.

One man loved toilets so much that he built a house shaped like one. It is now the site for the world's first toilet-based theme park. Here, you can learn about the history of receptacles for human waste!

Some cultures have "the Thinker." South Korea has immortalized the Pooper.

Adding this to my long list of things I'd like to see in Asia. Maybe someday we can start a fund for orphaned American children to go experience this one-of-a-kind theme park.

God, I hope part of this is a water park.

Sufjan Stevens Provides a Soundtrack to America Living La Via Boheme!

After yesterday's votes for Obama, marriage equality, and even recreational marijuana legalization, I almost feel patriotic! It's a strange, new feeling -- almost, dare I say it? -- jangly.

Considering this jangly hope for a version of the United States that I could perhaps love, Sufjan Stevens' take on the "Star Spangled Banner" is absolutely perfect. It's in true Sufjan form -- whispered, intimate, building with a chorus of children at the suddenly meaningful refrain. There are even horns! Sufjan has found the magic combination of musical things that will make people cry, and I do not hold it against him one bit.

Honestly, we should make this version the new national anthem.

Here is Sufjan, selflessly knitting an American flag for homeless cats to keep warm in during the harsh winter.

The Preidente Victorious Rides Again!

So there you go -- a new soundtrack for a happier US! Here's to the next four years, internets!

Sending Texts During an R. Kelly Concert

In general, you should know about thought catalog. It's a pretty great solution to internet boredom!

When I came across a record of texts this guy sent to his girlfriend during an R. Kelly concert, I just had to share! R. Kelly is one of those rare breeds who is so absolutely insane that he is amazing. I can't tell if it's all an act, but I love it either way. Watch the first installment of Trapped in the Closet with the commentary on and you'll fully understand what I mean.

Keep it classy, internets.

Green Gashlycrumb: Awesome Things that Scarred Me for Life

Happy Halloween, hotties! It's the time of year for candy, costumes, and scary stories to keep you awake and raging all night.

I would like to share with you one of my favorite scary stories of all time. It scared to bejesus out of my when I was little and still turns my shoulders into earrings.

 That being said, I give you "The Green Ribbon"as read by some dude:

Alfred might have had a ribbon fetish

Perhaps you recognize the tale from In A Dark, Dark Room and Other Scary Stories, a book targeted at children in the1980's. What a fucked up decade.

Never Forget Jenny

Another interesting book from my childhood is The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey. Someone was awesome enough to set it to one of my favourite love songs, "My Body's a Zombie for You" by Dead Man's Bones... Pedo-Necrophilia at its finest.

That Gin'll Get Ya!

Pass these to your youngins as to continue the tradition of scarring children for life. Besooooos

Celebrate Halloweenie with Spoooooky Stories!

It's the most wonderful time of the year, everybody! H-A-double L-O-W-double E-N!

Neil Gaiman is also pretty into Halloween, so he's got a creepy short story he wrote available for free on audible.com! It is called "Click-Clack the Rattlebag" and it is excellent. Go here to download!

I'll admit that it takes a wee bit to make an account and download the audible software (which is also free) if you don't have it, but it's totally worth it.


And totally not internet-related, but one of my favorite Halloweenie books is The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury. Everybody should read it. Everybody.

Happy Halloweenie, internets! It may be Wednesday, but I still expect some drunken Samhain circles out of all of you!! (time to dust off my copy of the Necronomicon from the 10th grade! Yeehaw and praise the Underbelly of the Earthmother or something!!)

GWAR Goes Trick-or-Treating

You guys.

No, seriously. You guys.

This is the best thing that the internet has given us since Brooke Candy. And in internet time, that means that this is the most brilliant thing to appear in about 8 millenia.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the pleasure of experiencing Halloweenie with GWAR!

(I love you, Oderus. Throw me in the meat grinder sometime, okay?)

Peace, love, and Halloweenie, internets. 

What are y'all trick-or-treating/drinking copiously as?

"Umshini Wam" Teaches Us the Social Value of Rolling Around in Wheelchairs

Die Antwoord fans will likely have already seen this, but it bears seeing again because it's amazing. In an epic, 15 minute long video, Yo Landi and Ninja are nothing short of brilliant as they participate in an existential search for truth and the meaning of (gangsta, fuzzy, and South African) life.

"I'm old enough to bleed

I'm old enough to breed

I'm old enough to crack a brick in your teeth while you sleep"

In this life-changing short film, Ninja and Yo Landi explore their inner lives, try to figure out why no one takes them seriously, and make attempts to do something that makes them feel alive -- all while wheeling around in adorable footie pajamas as they smoke hilariously giant blunts.

"It's gangsta."

Indeed it is, Ninja. Indeed it is. Much like Die Antwoord themselves, this video is fucking awesome. How awesome, you ask? Well, it gets the Flynt Flossy hump of approval.

In parting, I leave you with my current favorite Die Antwoord music video, "Baby's on Fire". Also mind-bogglingly cool. My dreams will be fulfilled the day I join Ninja and Yo Landi in a joint high five. Which, let's be clear, is a high five with ginormous joints.

Keepin' it real, internets.

Emergency Update: Brooke Candy Lives!

You all remember the cybertron lady from Grimes' "Genesis" video, right? No? Well, let me give you a refresher.

Giant snakes and schoolgirls aside, I thought this was perhaps all an elaborate cosplay made solely for this Grimes video.

Turns out, I was wrong. I was so totally, wonderfully wrong. The cyberlady has slithered out of the nether regions of Los Angeles to grace us with a music video of her own. Her name is Brooke Candy. She is perfection, if perfection means one-upping Kreayshawn (which is exactly its meaning, by the way).

Lookit. Lookit. Das me.

So here you go, fellow internet warriors. This is what years of research and development have brought us. This is our culture, encapsulated in one, brilliant video. This is where we are going as a human race.

Don't be scared. Shake ya titties, internet.

Finally, an Internet Haven!

Dear SCENE KIDS and HIPSTERS WHO JUST WANT TO LOUNGE,


Boy, have I found a place for you! It's totally new and not at all like vampirefreaks.com, which I was totally not a member of or anything when I was 16!

www.scenekids.com!!!
www.hipsterlounge.com!!!


I started paying attention to the presidential debate last night about 20 minutes in, as I was too busy perusing these amazing websites to listen to catfights about foreign policy.

I did not know this, but apparently there is zero difference between "scene kids," "hipsters," and "all 13-year-olds who shop at the Hot Topics." Also, hipsters apparently really like j-rock. Thanks for teaching me something new, internets!

So basically what we have here are multiple sites full of "alt" 12 - 19-year-olds mugging for the camera and chatting online in red-on-black font.
And what's better for the fragile egos of tortured tweens than a site where they can fall in internet love with fellow scenesters? Just click on a few profiles and you'll catch on to the internet-soulmate trend. It's beautiful. Nobody can break their wi-fi love.


And okay, I'll admit. Perhaps I am laughing so derisively because I totally would have joined this site when I was fifteen. My levels of schadenfreude for the kids on these sites are totally in harmony with how hilarious it was when I found my old livejournal account.


Peace out, internets. It's been all too real.

Bottles Break, Cats Bounce

Boss gettin' you down? Research paper imploding your brain? Nothing good on youtube? Then swing over to http://cat-bounce.com/ and make it rain adorable all over your screen.

Kitties Defying the Lawls of Physics!

This find is credited to my Cats & Bottles cohort, Clairely!

Besos.