Green Gashlycrumb: Awesome Things that Scarred Me for Life

Happy Halloween, hotties! It's the time of year for candy, costumes, and scary stories to keep you awake and raging all night.

I would like to share with you one of my favorite scary stories of all time. It scared to bejesus out of my when I was little and still turns my shoulders into earrings.

 That being said, I give you "The Green Ribbon"as read by some dude:

Alfred might have had a ribbon fetish

Perhaps you recognize the tale from In A Dark, Dark Room and Other Scary Stories, a book targeted at children in the1980's. What a fucked up decade.

Never Forget Jenny

Another interesting book from my childhood is The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey. Someone was awesome enough to set it to one of my favourite love songs, "My Body's a Zombie for You" by Dead Man's Bones... Pedo-Necrophilia at its finest.

That Gin'll Get Ya!

Pass these to your youngins as to continue the tradition of scarring children for life. Besooooos

Celebrate Halloweenie with Spoooooky Stories!

It's the most wonderful time of the year, everybody! H-A-double L-O-W-double E-N!

Neil Gaiman is also pretty into Halloween, so he's got a creepy short story he wrote available for free on audible.com! It is called "Click-Clack the Rattlebag" and it is excellent. Go here to download!

I'll admit that it takes a wee bit to make an account and download the audible software (which is also free) if you don't have it, but it's totally worth it.


And totally not internet-related, but one of my favorite Halloweenie books is The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury. Everybody should read it. Everybody.

Happy Halloweenie, internets! It may be Wednesday, but I still expect some drunken Samhain circles out of all of you!! (time to dust off my copy of the Necronomicon from the 10th grade! Yeehaw and praise the Underbelly of the Earthmother or something!!)

GWAR Goes Trick-or-Treating

You guys.

No, seriously. You guys.

This is the best thing that the internet has given us since Brooke Candy. And in internet time, that means that this is the most brilliant thing to appear in about 8 millenia.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the pleasure of experiencing Halloweenie with GWAR!

(I love you, Oderus. Throw me in the meat grinder sometime, okay?)

Peace, love, and Halloweenie, internets. 

What are y'all trick-or-treating/drinking copiously as?

"Umshini Wam" Teaches Us the Social Value of Rolling Around in Wheelchairs

Die Antwoord fans will likely have already seen this, but it bears seeing again because it's amazing. In an epic, 15 minute long video, Yo Landi and Ninja are nothing short of brilliant as they participate in an existential search for truth and the meaning of (gangsta, fuzzy, and South African) life.

"I'm old enough to bleed

I'm old enough to breed

I'm old enough to crack a brick in your teeth while you sleep"

In this life-changing short film, Ninja and Yo Landi explore their inner lives, try to figure out why no one takes them seriously, and make attempts to do something that makes them feel alive -- all while wheeling around in adorable footie pajamas as they smoke hilariously giant blunts.

"It's gangsta."

Indeed it is, Ninja. Indeed it is. Much like Die Antwoord themselves, this video is fucking awesome. How awesome, you ask? Well, it gets the Flynt Flossy hump of approval.

In parting, I leave you with my current favorite Die Antwoord music video, "Baby's on Fire". Also mind-bogglingly cool. My dreams will be fulfilled the day I join Ninja and Yo Landi in a joint high five. Which, let's be clear, is a high five with ginormous joints.

Keepin' it real, internets.

Emergency Update: Brooke Candy Lives!

You all remember the cybertron lady from Grimes' "Genesis" video, right? No? Well, let me give you a refresher.

Giant snakes and schoolgirls aside, I thought this was perhaps all an elaborate cosplay made solely for this Grimes video.

Turns out, I was wrong. I was so totally, wonderfully wrong. The cyberlady has slithered out of the nether regions of Los Angeles to grace us with a music video of her own. Her name is Brooke Candy. She is perfection, if perfection means one-upping Kreayshawn (which is exactly its meaning, by the way).

Lookit. Lookit. Das me.

So here you go, fellow internet warriors. This is what years of research and development have brought us. This is our culture, encapsulated in one, brilliant video. This is where we are going as a human race.

Don't be scared. Shake ya titties, internet.

Finally, an Internet Haven!

Dear SCENE KIDS and HIPSTERS WHO JUST WANT TO LOUNGE,


Boy, have I found a place for you! It's totally new and not at all like vampirefreaks.com, which I was totally not a member of or anything when I was 16!

www.scenekids.com!!!
www.hipsterlounge.com!!!


I started paying attention to the presidential debate last night about 20 minutes in, as I was too busy perusing these amazing websites to listen to catfights about foreign policy.

I did not know this, but apparently there is zero difference between "scene kids," "hipsters," and "all 13-year-olds who shop at the Hot Topics." Also, hipsters apparently really like j-rock. Thanks for teaching me something new, internets!

So basically what we have here are multiple sites full of "alt" 12 - 19-year-olds mugging for the camera and chatting online in red-on-black font.
And what's better for the fragile egos of tortured tweens than a site where they can fall in internet love with fellow scenesters? Just click on a few profiles and you'll catch on to the internet-soulmate trend. It's beautiful. Nobody can break their wi-fi love.


And okay, I'll admit. Perhaps I am laughing so derisively because I totally would have joined this site when I was fifteen. My levels of schadenfreude for the kids on these sites are totally in harmony with how hilarious it was when I found my old livejournal account.


Peace out, internets. It's been all too real.

Bottles Break, Cats Bounce

Boss gettin' you down? Research paper imploding your brain? Nothing good on youtube? Then swing over to http://cat-bounce.com/ and make it rain adorable all over your screen.

Kitties Defying the Lawls of Physics!

This find is credited to my Cats & Bottles cohort, Clairely!

Besos.